Relationships Part 2: My Chosen Family

I told you there was a Part 2 to the relationships post coming didn’t I? I have always had thoughts for the Part 2 roaming around in my head, but I was waiting for God to put it on my heart to share with you. You see these relationship posts are not easy for me to write. I want to honor the people within the posts without embarrassing them. So I waited for God’s perfect timing. Over the past week or so I can tell you that He has definitely put this on my heart to write for you. So here goes nothing.

We all have people in our lives who we consider family who are not blood related. Some call these people their chosen family. Boy, let me tell you, I really hit the jackpot with my chosen family.

My Husband

If you know me, you know that I am incredibly spoiled in our relationship. I won’t get into all the gushy details, but I am 100% certain that God made my husband and I for each other. He is the calm to my storm. A perfect example of this, I was telling him a story that I was on fire about, livid about. When he did not respond with the fury I thought he should have, I said, ”why are you not on fire about this too?!” He simply replied, ”you are on fire enough for the both of us...” This is the perfect example of our relationship. He calms me and brings me back to earth.

Well, it has been no different through our grief. You know, I read that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Then the rate goes up to 80% after the loss of a child. Those are some daunting and intimidating statistics. But I had profound clarity the morning Evelyn went to Heaven that we would not be a part of that particular statistic.

After we left the hospital, we went to my parents’ house. Drew and I needed some time to process what had happened alone, just him and I. So we went for a walk while my parents watched Katherine. I remember thinking, and maybe even saying out loud (I am notorious for thinking I said something out loud, but not really saying it out loud), that our marriage would survive this. The love I have for this man can weather this storm. When you get married, you vow to love the other person for better or for worse. This is one of those hard times. I knew we would love each other and help each other through this valley of deep pain. Drew sure has held up his end of the marriage vows during this storm.

Drew has shown up in ways that I could not show up in the beginning, and even still cannot show up to this day. Drew took Katherine to daycare for a while after Evelyn went to Heaven because I could not face the pain of walking in that building without Evelyn. I am certain he had that pain too, but he faced it for me. He has taken Katherine to dance alone every Wednesday (that it has been in session) because I still cannot face the pain of not having Evelyn with us at dance. I am so thankful to him for carrying those burdens when I could not. I know that I would not have made it to where I am today in my grief journey today without his unquestioning strength and support.

As I said earlier, God knew what He was doing when He had my husband and I cross paths so many years ago. God knew what was coming. He knew I would need someone strong, kind, and caring. He put my husband in my life because He knew I would need him. For this I am grateful.

The In-laws

You hear people tell stories about their terrible in-laws and how much they do not like their spouse’s family. I have never, ever felt that way. As a matter of fact, for me it is quite the opposite. Drew grew up in a bigger family than I did in both his immediate and extended families. As Drew and I have been together, both of these groups have become my family too. They are relationships that I cherish.

Drew’s immediate family has moved out of Nebraska. They all live a plane ride or long car drive away. Drew’s extended family does not live close to Nebraska either. But that does not stop us from loving and connecting with one another. We just had a Zoom meeting get together with extended family over the weekend to check in and see how everyone was doing with everything going on. These people care about each other and it shows. It is a group that I love to be a part of.

Drew’s family did not let distance stop them from supporting us in our time of need either. His entire family, extended and immediate, showed up for us when they heard the news of Evelyn’s passing. Plane tickets purchased, car rides planned, work taken off. I am more grateful to each and every member of these people than I will ever be able to express for doing this for us. I know not only I, but Drew and Katherine as well were comforted by their presence during those hard first several days.

After Evelyn’s wake, my parents had family from both sides over for dinner. (Oddly, it reminded me of my high school graduation party. The setting was exactly the same, my parents’ house with overflow in the garage.) I remember sitting back during the dinner and looking at everyone, in awe of all of the family that traveled from far and wide to support us in our time of need. They were there to show us love when we needed it the most. God put these people in our lives to show us that we could still experience His comfort, love, and joy even through this heartbreaking time.

This week is going to be a tough one, Friday in particular. But there is an event earlier in the week that I do not want to be overshadowed by Friday. Wednesday is Drew’s birthday. I will never be able to put more time between these two events for my husband. They will forever remain two days apart, but that does not mean that we cannot celebrate my husband’s birthday. If you see my husband (why are you not socially distancing?!?), know his phone number, are a friend to him on Facebook, or are willing to pray for him, please show him some love on Wednesday. Help show him that he can still experience joy on his birthday.

As for Friday, what we really need are your prayers. Prayers for His peace and His comfort.

-The Blessed Mourner