He Wants Us Back

Here I am, four years after Evelyn made her journey to Heaven, and I am still mad. Anger has been my main emotion for the past four years. I even wrote a post about putting my anger aside in November 2019. Well, I can tell you that that did not last long. Soon enough I was back to being angry. Those of you who have walked through a season of life led with anger know that it is no way to live. And most importantly, it is not how God wants us to live. God wants us to have a close relationship with Him. However, when I am angry, I lose my relationship with God. My relationship with God was strong when Evelyn first passed away. I was journaling to Him and spending time each day to get the know Him through His word. But as time went on, and I continued to ignore my anger, I drifted away from Him. I had stopped reading the Bible and stopped journaling to Him. He knew I would need a nudge to get me to stop ignoring the source of my anger and to process through it with Him. He wanted a relationship with me, and as always, He had a plan to get me back.

For Christmas 2021, my mom gave me a Bible Study that she thought we could to do together, "Jesus and Women: In the First Century and Now" by Kristi McLelland. My mom's Bible study group from church had done this Bible study together, and she learned so much about Jesus and His character from this Bible study that she began to really enjoy learning from the author. She thought I would enjoy the Bible study as well. Well, for two years, it got put in a basket in my room to sit. When my mom learned of a women's conference put on by Lifeway Christian Resources where Kristi would be one of the speakers, God put it in her heart to ask me to go. My mom has plenty of other women she could have asked to go with her, but I was the one God had plans for with this particular invite. So, she asked me. This conference just so happened to be the same weekend my mom and I were already planning to go see one of our favorite bands, For King and Country, so she pitched it as a girl's weekend. We would go down to Des Moines for the conference, then back up to Omaha for the concert. Reflecting back on when she called to ask me, I had so many excuses on my lips to say no, but I felt a push on my heart towards yes. Little did I know at the time that this push was from God to bring me back to Him.

When my mom and I first talked about this trip, she reminded me of this Bible study she had purchased for us and told me that when she did it with her church group she learned so much. She wanted to go to the conference to learn more from Kristi. So when I called her to tell her I was in for the conference, I felt a nudge on my heart to suggest that we do the Bible study together before we go. Turns out that we had just enough weeks before the conference to finish the Bible study. Coincidence? I think not! God had plans to bring me back to a relationship Him. He also had plans to help me stop ignoring and process through my anger so that I would stop drifting away from Him.

The first time we planned to meet for this 7 session long study was on a Friday in February that I had off from school for staying late two nights for parent teacher conferences. We get two of these Fridays in a school year, and I always use them to get things done! This Friday was no different. I was getting my oil changed and wanted to get my car looked at because we had recently gotten back from an over 2,000 mile excursion in my van to Phoenix when Southwest cancelled our flight over Christmas break (yes, we were a part of that whole debacle). So before Bible study with my mom, I was on my way to Blair to get a clean bill of health for my car. It had snowed a good amount the day before, but I was not too worried about the roads because it had stopped in the early afternoon the day before, so there was plenty of time for the roads to be cleared. Well, as it turns out, God had planned to use the weather to put my anger at the forefront of my heart as I went into this Bible study with my mom later that day. While I was driving to Blair, someone pulled in front of me. As per my usual reaction, I was angry. How could someone endanger our lives with such a stupid move? Why did they not just wait for me to pass? Well, I was so angry that I did not see the patch of ice in front of me and nearly lost control of my car. Thanks to God, I quickly recovered control, and to the normal eye, nothing noticeable had happened. But in my eyes, I could see how potentially dangerous my anger can be. So, with this on my heart, I went over to my mom's for the first session of this Bible study.

In her Bible study, Kristi really probes you to think about your life, not just the women in the Bible, but how does the story relate to your life today? Without giving too much away, because you really should try this one, Kristi spends some time in the first session on the story of the woman who touches Jesus' robe to be healed. When the woman touches His robe, Jesus' response was "Take heart, daughter." Kristi asked us to reflect on the area of our lives where we needed to hear God say "Take heart, daughter." Essentially, where did I need healing? Can you tell where God was nudging me towards? You guessed it, my anger.

Through this study, God truly helped me process through my anger to find the source of it and pray through it. The truth is, I do not stop to think about my anger much, but God knew I needed to process through this. Milestones like the one coming up tend to hit me like a ton of bricks while I try to ignore them. These past few months, we (as a school) have been gearing up for next year's kindergarteners, and it has been hard to ignore the fact that this would be the year that Evelyn would have started kindergarten. When I stop to think about my anger, I realize that I am angry that we are missing these earthly milestones with her. Knowing the source of my anger is not going to make it go away forever or stop it right away, but here is what I now know from searching my heart and God's word in this Bible study. God wants to be there for me through these milestones. He wants to give me the comfort that only He can. And I know that He wants to do the same for you. Maybe it isn't anger in your life, but is there an area of your life where you can feel God saying, "Let Me help you through this." I pray to the Lord our God that he points it out to you so that you can walk with Him through it.

Five months later... I first wrote this post in February in my journal. It took a lot of pushes from God to get me to actually post it on this blog as I have not posted in over two years. But even looking back on the original draft of this post, God has already made so many changes on my heart. My mom and I finished the study with Kristi and went to the conference where we picked up the next three or so studies we wanted to do together. My life has been completely turned right side up (I originally had upside down, but that implies a negative connotation and this most certainly has not been negative). I went from listening to the Bible on my phone in the car from time to time - while zoning out because audio books are really hard for me - to dedicating time each morning to sit down and journal with God and then spend time in His word (still listening because some of the names are hard, but with the Bible open to help with my concentration) to learn more about His character. My relationship with God has grown so much in these short 5 months. I know it in my bones that God was pulling me back to Him, so that I could walk in the path He had planned for me. I know He wants to do the same with you!

-The Blessed Mourner