Replacing My Anchor of Anger with Jesus as My Anchor

I am not sure if you have noticed that I have not written in a long while. I sure noticed. I thought about it often. It wasn't due to lack of blessings, that's for sure. I had ideas to write about. I even started writing about some of them in my journal (journaling is the beginning part of my writing process). But I could not bring myself to publish any of them in my blog. Something was stopping me. I blamed it on being busy, but I know that I had plenty of moments during the past few months to publish a post about my blessings if I really wanted to. This weekend, I realized it was my anchor of anger that was stopping me. You see, it is incredibly hard to write about blessings when you are angry.

I have been angry for what seems like a long time. Anger is part of the grieving process the experts say, and now I can confirm this truth. If I am being honest, most of my anger has been pointed at God. You see, in Evelyn's case there is no person to blame. She died in her sleep, peacefully, without any pain. She did not die at the hands of any other person. So I am left targeting all of my anger at the Lord for taking her away from me so early.

When I listened to the Christian radio stations in the car during these long, angry months, I would hear songs about how the Lord can move mountains, and snarky comments routed in anger like "yeah, but not mine" or "not for me" would come into my brain. This snark and anger has filled my heart for the last several months. It affected every aspect of my life: my home life, my relationship with my husband, my work life, and so on.

Reflecting back on this period of anger, I slipped away from God for a little bit. He stopped being the center of my decisions. I took so many weekends off going to church that I was worried they were going to take my name tag away! I stopped reading the Bible every day. I want to be clear. I never stopped believing He is our one true God. But I did draw away from Him. I mean if I think about it from a human point of view, it makes sense. I was angry at God. When you are angry at someone, you avoid spending time with them.

But the great thing about our God is that He is patient. He waited for me to get my anger out to be ready to come back to Him. In fact, before my anger got the best of me, I signed up for the LCM Women's Retreat. When I signed up in early summer, it felt so far away, but it was something I instantly knew I wanted to do. I felt it in my bones. Looking back, this was God setting up His opportunity to bring me back to Him. It's clear that He knew my anger would take me away from Him, and He set up an opportunity for me to come back.

The LCM's Women's Retreat took place this past weekend. It was such a special weekend filled with worship of our one true Lord, a heart changing message from our guest speaker, Kimi Miller, and women who share a love of the Lord. This weekend will always hold a special place in my heart. I want to pause my story and say thank you to the women on the committee who put this event together, I know you're reading this! Your work truly touched my life. I appreciate all the time and effort you put into this weekend. Thank you!

When the event started on Friday, I was immediately drawn to Kimi Miller. She was so honest and humble before the Lord. It takes massive courage to admit your own faults in front of a group of women you do not know. On Friday, she had us write down our current anchors that were keeping us from seeing things through the lens of Jesus. (I am doing a terrible job of paraphrasing her inspiring message, what can I say, I'm not Kimi Miller!) I could feel on my heart right away that my anchor was anger, even though before this weekend, I had not put much thought into my anger. I was so fast that my mom asked when I went up to put my anchor in the back. This is how quickly the Lord placed on my heart the need to release this anchor of anger. He wanted me to let it go.

I left Friday's session hoping this weekend would help me release the anchor of anger and replace it with Jesus as my anchor. When my roomie for the weekend, my mom, and I woke up on Saturday morning, I let her shower first. This left me in the room to look out the balcony windows while the sun rose. While I watched God's handiwork that morning, I was still asking Him why Evelyn was taken from this earth so early. I told Him that I knew He had His perfect reasons and timing, but I was still struggling with anger about the fact that I felt she didn't get to be here long enough.

After breakfast, we went downstairs for the first session of the day. At one point during this session, Kimi talked about God's response to her friend who was in a difficult situation and was asking God the same question I was, "Why?" Her friend told Kimi that God said to her, "If there were any other way to bring you closer to me, I would have done it." This hit me like a rock. At first, my anchor of anger reacted thinking that's a bunch of baloney. There HAD to have been another way. This was how I left the first session on Saturday. Still with my anchor of anger in the forefront of my view.

During our break, my mom and I went out for a beautiful hayrack ride. If you are in Nebraska, do you remember Saturday's weather? Although it seems impossible in this frigid cold, try to remember Saturday afternoon. It was perfect fall weather! The hayrack ride was a great place to reflect on releasing my anchor of anger.

So as the second Saturday session began, I revisited the response that God had given me through Kimi and her friend, but this time with Jesus as my anchor. So right there in the middle of the session I began to journal this post. Don't worry, I wasn't missing the session while I was writing. She gave us time for reflection and to begin journaling while we talk to God. I found out through the course of the weekend that Kimi is very pro-journaling when talking to God. Well Kimi, so am I! As I was journaling this post, I asked God, "Why my daughter? Why did she have to go to Heaven for me to be closer to you?" What came next left me breathless. The next thought that came into my head was, "I gave up my Son for you..."

I am certain that this was an answer from God. I was in awe that he would reply so quickly, almost as if we were in a conversation. This journaling thing was really working out! I had nothing to say back to God. How do you come back from that? I was completely humbled. All this time, I was mad at Him for taking Evelyn up to Heaven. How could I not remember what He sent His own Son to do for me. For you. For all of us. I was in awe of His mercy for me. This is when I finally began to feel the anchor of anger begin to slip away.

At some point during the second Saturday session, Kimi told this story she felt the need to share. She saw a young girl, about 3 years old, walking with Jesus learning from Him at her own pace. Don't forget that Jesus is the most perfect teacher. He is patient and loving. He knew this girl's pace without her having to ask Him to slow down or speed up. As she told this story, I imagined this young girl to be Evelyn. While the perfect scenario in my human mind is still for Evelyn to have grown up here with me, can anyone argue that Heaven is a great place to grow up too, and with the best teacher in Jesus? I thank God for having Kimi tell that story. I am not really sure what her point in telling the story was because for about 3 minutes after her story, I was picturing Evelyn growing up in Heaven. This picture was a beautiful gift from God after I finally released my anchor of anger and put Jesus in the forefront of my mind. He was reassuring me that Evelyn is in a great place, even though it is not where I wanted her to be. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. It has been 3 days since I left this retreat, and there have already been many times that I have had to pause and ask God for help in keeping my anchor of anger away. It was so ingrained in every part of my life. It will not go away overnight. This will be something I will have to work at for a long time. But I can tell you this, I am already feeling a weight lifted off. I am happier. I can feel it. Ladies and gentlemen, we are better off when we let Jesus in our boats. Now come on and try it, let Jesus in your boat and feel His awesome power in your life.

-The Blessed Mourner