The Push

This week was Vacation Bible School week, VBS for short, at Lutheran Church of the Master (LCM) West Campus. VBS is a week that the church invites any child to come to learn about God and Jesus with a week of fun. No membership required. I remember our pastor told us at the beginning of the week that something like 80% of the over 300 children attending our VBS had no affiliation with our church. Talk about ministry!

The theme this year was 'Roar! Life is wild - God is good' from Group Publishing (2019). There were fantastic decorations that transformed LCM into a safari desert, worship songs with great actions that made my watch think I was working out, Bible Adventure Stories, crafts, and much more. Click here to see the post from LCM's Facebook!

I had not planned on helping this year, just as I have not helped the past several years, telling myself that I was too busy. When Katherine's Sunday School teacher approached me in March or April asking if I was going to help this year, I gave the excuse that "I could not because the girls were not going to daycare this summer, and Evelyn was too young to attend." Boy did she have a trick up her sleeve. She told me not to worry, they have a nursery set up only for volunteers' children who are too young to attend VBS. So, I gave my next excuse: "I have Open Summer Library at school on Wednesdays this summer. I don't want to sign up and have no one doing my job on Wednesday." This excuse was also thwarted with her response that there will be people called fillers who will do the job of anyone that cannot be there that day. I had run out of excuses. What was I to do but to agree to help?

True to my word, I led a crew of soon-to-be second graders through these amazing adventures. Each day I saw these 8 kiddos share in the joy of the goodness of God, and it filled my heart with happiness.

To further our ministry to these children, the leader of VBS at our church called us to share God's goodness with the children in our crews through 'God sightings' in our lives. Most of my recent God sightings have been guiding me through my grief. While my story about Evelyn is not for almost second graders, sharing my story has been weighing heavy on my heart all week. I heard God calling me to share His work in my life and have been bursting at the seams to share it ever since.

I wrote in my devotional on Wednesday that I was thinking of starting a blog to share the ways in which God has blessed me while I mourn my daughter's death. I went on to write that I was unsure if this was something I should do. I ended the note in my devotional with the thought of waiting for Him to send me a title for the blog. This would be my 'sign' that He wanted me to do this. With that, I went upstairs to get ready for the day.

Then as I was getting ready, BOOM. It hit me.

A verse I have read/heard many times in the past weeks: Matthew 5:4 "God blesses those who mourn, for they are comforted." The Blessed Mourner. That day, I came home and began to create the bones this blog website. I knew it was what God wanted me to do.

Still yet, I was extremely anxious. After all, what is to be written in this blog depicts the darkest time in my life. It is deeply personal. What if no one cared to read it? That would hurt. What if people who knew so much more about the Bible than I do scoffed at what I wrote? How embarrassing. These are only two of the many 'what ifs' that ran through my brain that night.

As I lay in bed, I prayed to God. I said something to the effect of "God, if You really want me to share Your goodness, please let me know that it is Your will that I do this." After my Amen, I settled in for a long night of anxiety as I stewed over whether or not to really dive in with this blog.

The day after I spoke with God about this started like the others during the VBS week. Dropping my oldest off to her crew and wishing with all of my heart that I had another sweet ginger baby to drop off in the nursery. As the children began to arrive, the songs began. The song leader talked about how today is going to be a great day, for we get to share the goodness of the Lord with everyone. Chills ran down my back. You see the days before this had not started like this. The song leader had not started with this sentiment about sharing the Goodness of the Lord. I knew He was speaking to me through her.

As I was still grappling with what the song leader said and what that meant for me, she began to introduce our new song for the day. It is the last song on the CD, Thankful by Jay Stocker (2008, 2019). Its lyrics begin: "I like to think about the goodness of the Lord." At this point, I am having trouble standing and singing with the kids. Again, I knew He was talking to me. I am floored by the Lord's message to me. I start to feel myself leaning towards this blog.

As if this were not enough of a push from the Lord for me, later in the day the leader of the Bible Adventure Stories tells the children that it is our duty as Christians to share the goodness of the Lord with others. At this point, I want to get up and shout, "OKAY, I HEAR YOU!" I am certain, without asking her, that we would both agree that the Lord put those words on her lips for me to hear. He wanted to be loud and clear that this is something I needed to do.

You see, this was all a part of God's plan. Even before Evelyn passed, He had planned for me to write this blog of the ways He blessed me after she joined Him in Heaven. He started with the push from Katherine's Sunday School teacher to get me at VBS this week so I would be able to hear His message to me that I needed to write this blog describing how I have felt His goodness during my hardest time. Realizing His plan gives me chills. He is always in control.

So, it is with this not so subtle push from the Lord in Heaven that I set out to share the Goodness He has given me with all who will read.

-The Blessed Mourner